Loving but Disagreeing: 4 truths about Parents
Take the aggression and resentment out of your parental relationships with 4 hard truths about agreeing to disagree.
Parent relationships are touchy.
You love them unconditionally as they are, but it seems like they don’t return the favor. They’re always criticizing who you are at every turn. It’s almost like they hate you….
Because you’re so strong, you act like they aren’t hurting you. The truth is that it’s still tearing you up inside. Over time, their anger at you turns into self-hatred.
No matter what your heart still wants to help them through. But every time you try to help, they lash out at you even worse. Making you feel 100 times worse.
We all know this cycle.
After ten years of being a part of this cycle, I knew something had to give. It took me three years to finally heal and have a symbiotic relationship with my parents. We are still very different, but I finally understood how to look past it and love them, and myself, anyway.
I broke this process down into four truths essential to loving and disagreeing with your parents.
1) You are not an extension of them
This is important because you need to internalize the fact that you are your own person. Yes, your parents did raise you, but you are not owned by them. Even if they act as they do, rest assured they do not.
You were born with your own mind, thoughts, and feelings separate from the ideas they placed onto you. Because of this, you can develop your own ideas and values and not feel guilty about them. Acceptance of these unique parts of you is the only way that you are going, to be honest, enough to live a fulfilling life.
A Lot of parents are from a different time where children were basically a copy of the parent. They think that it is your duty to be like them because they raised you. Not only is this an outdated belief, but it is a very destructive one. It operated under the idea that the child is not their own person and has no value of their own. Because of this, their kids live in the guilt of not being just like their parents. This often evolves into self-hatred and self-sabotage, which we will cover later.
Do not feel ashamed for being a different person from what they tried to make you. You can still love them for doing what they thought was best for you, but if it doesn’t work for you just leave it alone. No matter what, just love and respectfully disagree with them. It’s not their fault they had the wrong idea about parenting. It’s just your responsibility to change it for the next generation.
2) You are the key to your worth, not anyone else
So many young people are carrying the guilt of not being what their parents wanted them to be. And the worst part is that they don’t realize they are doing it. This is a little like the first section, but this is about the subconscious.
Oftentimes this reflects as a refusal to give oneself emotional restoration or mental self-care. You are essentially saying to yourself that you are not worth taking care of. You may be thinking that that has nothing to do with parents, but it does.
Most black sheep of the family, myself included, internalized at a very young age that any expression of themselves was bad and warranted punishment. For years I would feel like crap all of the time because I was continuously denying my feelings and desires out of an innate need to “punish myself.” It all made sense when I realized that I had been doing that ever since childhood.
The key to fixing this issue is taking the time out to care for yourself. Realize that you don’t need validation for your worth. Once you realize you are the one that decides your value. Praise yourself with the love you so willingly give away to others.
Another way this shows up is by self-sabotage. This is essentially saying that you are not worth expressing yourself to the world. The key to fixing this is having the bravery to love, accept, and understand yourself as a whole and perfect being. I know… easier said than done.
You have so many beautiful dreams, ideas, and desires you were meant to show this world, but you have to let them out. If you continue to hate yourself and keep your ideas under lock and key it will eat you up inside and disrupt every part of your life.
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3) Their lashing out at you is not personal
It’s no secret that your parents grew up in a world that was filled with mostly limitations and lack. That’s not being mean, it's just the truth. It caused them to approach their internal and external world with a sense of fear and cynicism. What was different was usually shunned or deemed as dangerous.
Because of this, a lot of them gave in to the immense pressure of society and other family members. After many years they grew a resentment for trendsetters and visionaries because they had the strength to do what they could not. This means that their attacks against you for the same thing are not personal. They are mad at themselves, not you.
Back before I got to a place, the hundreds of attacks from family members made me hate them. And the hate I carried around everywhere did nothing but hurt me. After I released the hate I had to find out why this was happening. I carefully reviewed the hurtful instances in my head and realized that the insults and attacks weren’t actually about me. Most of the details actually had nothing to do with my life, but with theirs.
Once I realized this it was much easier for me to approach my parents with love and understanding. Now I still wouldn’t stand for their repeated abuse, but I never held anything against them like before.
4) Learn to accept them where they are
You cannot make anyone else’s choices for them. Even if you see they are limiting themselves, it is not your place to try and “save” them. No one knows anyone else’s life story or trajectory. You can try and help, but only as much as they will allow. Don’t try to “force” a change.
Everyone has responsibility for their life and how they react to challenges and obstacles. No matter what someone has done or is doing….. Just forgive them. That doesn’t mean excusing their actions, but you have to realize that they are doing the best they can at this time. Continue to see the truth in what they are doing and act accordingly, but hold no maliciousness in your heart against them.
Love them because, even though they don’t know it, they are divine. And deserve to be loved no matter what.
Also when I stopped reacting and taking it personally, they saw it had less effect on me. More and more over time, their attacks slowed down greatly.
Conclusion
The goal here is not to distance you from your parents. It is completely possible to still be close with your parents while being disagreeing with some of their views.
These truths above are mainly about healing the wounds within yourself around your parental relationships. This will free you in a way you’ve never experienced before.
This healing leads to unconditional acceptance, love, respect, and forgiveness for your parents. It will also lead to love and acceptance of yourself by validating the inner child you’ve been punishing since your childhood.
It’s a win-win for everyone.
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